....

I know I keep missing out on my Rocking your world Fridays at the moment, I am back and forth and never get a chance to post here at the moment with trying to sort out everything like banks, jobs, doctors etc. I just thought I would come on here and vent for a bit, feeling a little bit stressed at the moment!

I am having one of those days where I feel like I am not in my body, I feel like I can't speak or interact properly, like every time I speak, no matter who is listening, I just can't pluck up the confidence to have a proper conversation. I hate these days.

It is strange how from day to day, things can be so up and down. I know tomorrow will be a new and better day, but today, I feel pretty helpless and low and what is even more annoying is that I can't put my finger on why I feel this way (Probably because I am a nutcase woman! lol!). It is strange how when you wake up in the mornings, you don't know where the day is going to lead you, something incredible could turn up on your doorstep, or you could end up feeling pretty useless and lost.

I have so many dreams, but I can't seem to pick myself up and gather the courage to go about them. I need to learn how to believe in myself, because right now, I feel like I could just curl up in a ball. I never speak about it, hence why I find it much easier to come on here and type (This leads me back to the original point of not being able to pluck up the confidence to have a proper conversation!) I just tell myself it is all OK, that I don't need to talk to anyone and that I am probably just being stupid, but you know, that mentality certainly creeps up and bites you in the ass.

I really envy people who have natural confidence, It is almost debilitating in social situations, I am scared of saying anything just in case I look stupid, because I feel like everything I say is of no value or interest. I know this is ridiculous, because I have people around me who care and who I talk to all the time, but when I feel this way, it is hard to ignore it!

It may be the change that has knocked me, even though I don't feel that is the source of the problem, like I said, I am never sure what it is. If I was to take a wild guess, I would say it is the lack of faith I have in myself sometimes. The fact I never think I am good enough for anything.

Urrghh! even reading that back makes me feel stupid! lol! I just needed to vent and think to myself for a few minutes, sorry if that read was a bit heavy! I will pop back on Friday hopefully with a list full of happies!!

I'm back!!

I have been missing for quite a while, moving country and all that! I am just getting settled now.

I was meant to move on the 31st March, dad walked in to my room on the morning of the 30th and told me I had to change my plans, me in my sleepy state replied with a grumpy "erm... what?".... The ferry that we were supposed to be sailing over on was cancelled due to strong winds and storms at sea. My heart sank.

We spent the next hour or so deciding what to do, since the forecast for the next two weeks were very much the same. So we decided to pack up and travel across that evening, it was a mental, hectic day. We set off for Dublin at 4 in the afternoon, got there about 6:30 ish, boarded the ferry at 8, we arrived in Holyhead at about midnight, then drove to Rotherham. We arrived at John's house at 4:30 in the morning, bless him he woke up to let me and dad in!!

So, here I am. I am so happy! I feel so settled and like life is really looking up!! I am absolutely loving being able to see John all the time, and getting to see red more than twice a year is amazing! I am job hunting at the moment, which is a pain, but it has to be done! I saw a job for a Make-up artist for Benefit, I have applied, so fingers crossed!

I haven't caught up with my Rocking your world Fridays, I will get back on it soon! That is all for now...

x